During this time of year, it is especially difficult when families, children, or recently widowed or divorced adults must face the holiday season.  From September 16  through  New Years is known as the “100 Days of Grief” which if often a time of dread, uncertainty, anticipated sadness, and concern.  It would appear that everyone else would be having a wonderful time yet “this year will be the time of challenge for those who have faced a loss”.  There are many articles which provide suggestions about surviving the holidays, yet some basic ideas may help you or someone in your life to get through these difficult days ahead.

Divorce

Try not to talk about the Divorce

With regard to children, negative feelings and discussions about the situation need not be discussed with them.  Talk about plans for the holidays-Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas, focusing on the plans for how things will occur.  Children and teens want to know about schedules, where and what they will be doing, which helps them to try to handle the serious changes in their lives.

Enjoy the Moments-Simply

Try to find some happiness in the holiday season by appreciating the moments.  Times with either parent, or their extended family, needs to be one of finding some type of happiness.  This can be accomplished by starting new traditions or rituals, finding new and special ways to enjoy the holidays, and to set a special schedule or time that each parent or grandparent/relative will remember.  The days during a period of divorce and afterwards are truly difficult so finding a little joy each day can help.

Let Your Children or Teens Be A Part of Making Decisions

Involving children or teens in the decision making process is so important as they will let you or the other parent be aware of what they like and don’t like.  Through their learning to express their thoughts and feelings then providing ideas about how they would like to celebrate these days ahead will be a positive experience for everyone as each person can create a special memory or time without creating angry feelings or very difficult situations.  Keep the children involved as much as possible.

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The holidays are centering points for families. What do you do with the holidays when dealing divorce or broken relationships make you wonder, “how can I celebrate anything?” How can you embrace Thanksgiving or sing about “Joy to the World” or light the candles on the menorah or tell the stories of Kwanza when your life is crumbling all around you?

As hard as it is, it’s in times of distress and heartache that you absolutely should celebrate the holidays. The fact is the holidays endure through everything. They are part of the solid ground that transcends what’s happening on the surface of our lives. They reassure us that there are some things that do not change and demand celebration no matter what. Holidays are about peace and sharing and gratitude and love. During tragedy, or divorce, or heartache we have to reach down and find those core things at a deeper level, a more meaningful level.

Here is a short list of tips to help you move from grief to celebration. The following suggestions will help you and your family move forward through the holidays. Your divorce is not the end of your life. It’s not the end of your family. It’s not the end of your happiness. It’s not the end of your holidays. Things will change, but you will definitely get back to joy, and you just might find that the true meaning of the holidays will shine brighter than ever.

1. Be patient. Be patient with yourself. Be patient with your family. You will grieve your losses, but remember what you are really celebrating. You can use this time to find new meaning, a deeper connection, and richer joys that you might have missed if this divorce had not happened. Accept the tears. Take one holiday at a time. The true meaning of the holidays will never disappear, and this experience, as hard as it is, can bring a fresh understanding of that truth.
2. Simplify. A recent poll said 4 out of 5 people want the holidays to be simpler. A midlife divorce will make you look at your priorities. You usually have moved to a smaller place; you have less money; and you have less time if you have gone back to work. You have an opportunity to do what most people want to do. You have been forced to do something that may be a positive turning point in your family’s life. Take a look at your priorities and simplify.
3. Be Flexible. Keep the traditions you want. Try some new things. Finding creative ways to share the season can enhance the real meaning of the holidays. Who says Thanksgiving has to be celebrated on the official Thanksgiving Day? If you don’t have the children on Christmas, have a tree-decorating party earlier in December. Make that a new tradition. An added benefit might be to make the week of Christmas less hectic.
4. Focus on others. The holidays are really about sharing and being thankful. Spread the joy around. Expand your list of people to welcome into your celebrations. There are all kinds of people that YOU could encourage during the holidays. The holidays aren’t about you, anyway. They are about what God has done for all of us. They are about having a generous heart and a gracious spirit. Cultivate those characteristics and be grateful for every good thing you have.
5. Remember, it’s not about stuff! Make a budget. Don’t overspend. Don’t try to buy love or loyalty. In a recent survey, many Americans are still paying off some part of holiday extravagance until November of the following year. Change that “more stuff” mind set. It will be good for you and good for your children, too. Give gifts of time and attention.
6. Don’t postpone joy. There are many, many things to celebrate. It’s okay to cry when you need to, but the rest of the family (fair or not) will often take their cue from you. YOU spend some time figuring out real tangible, unchangeable things you can celebrate. Focus on those things. This is a sometimes-difficult transition, but a transition that can in the long run make your holidays more meaningful and memorable for everyone. Find every little joy you can this holiday season; be grateful for it and share it!

Happy, Joyful, Wonderful Holidays.

• PLAN

Don’t play ostrich and let the holidays ambush you. Divide tasks into essential and non-essential. Shop by catalog or when the stores are less crowded. Change the routine or location. Start a new tradition. And, consult with immediate family members so all voices are heard.

• LET YOUR NEEDS BE KNOWN

If you need help in preparation of a meal, ask. If you have some bittersweet times and need a shoulder to lean on, ask. If you want to talk about your loved one or the difficulty of this holiday, ask. Your family and friends are not mind-readers.

• DEVELOP ONE OR MORE COPING TECHNIQUES

There will be rough times and days. Decide on what your stress reducer will be – hot baths, long walks, deep breathing exercises, calling a friend, etc.

• WATCH YOUR PHYSICAL HEALTH

Make sure you get extra rest and eat well. Overdoing (or dancing as fast as you can) is often a reaction to grief which can lead to total physical and mental exhaustion if carried to an extreme. You have enough to deal with; be kind to yourself and those that have to interact with you.

• RESOLVE TO USE YOUR LEARNING TO HELP SOMEONE ELSE

Although you may have been through the most difficult year of your life, you have also grown in compassion and understanding for others. By using that knowledge to help someone else, you give meaning to your loss.

Children and Grief-Loss of Loved Ones

During these special days of the year, statistics show that one in twenty children experience the death of a parent.  Take time to listen to the videos, and if you know of someone who has lost a parent, grandparent, or other relative, such important information can be gained by these resources.  Holidays for children are very special yet when there has been a true loss of someone very special in their lives, often parents and those close to children just don’t know exactly how to help children or teens.

For children, from Sesame Street, Grief and Loss Resource Video

http://www.cbsnews.com/video/watch/?id=6392732n or the Website, When Families Grieve, http://www.sesameworkshop.org/grief/primetime_special

Looking toward these days and weeks ahead require planning and use of good strategies to create the days best suited for the individual, couple, or family.  In this blog posting, I would like to share some tips, ideas, and strategies for you, the reader, to make the best of these days ahead.  First, grief and loss doesn’t just involve the loss of a loved one due to sudden illness or death, yet involves loss of a family unit due to divorce, loss of job, changes in health status, or other serious concerns where one grieves what they once had in their life.  If you are in one of these circumstances, taking care of yourself is so important. Find time to be alone yet also find time to connect with support of others who truly care about you and your family.  Take one hour and one day at a time. Schedule your day in a way that some exercise is put into place.  Look for some happiness, even in a simple way, each day without feeling guilty of feeling joy.  Look for ways to connect with others such as in community activities, faith communities, and service organizations.  Health eating habits are so important as well as getting good, quality sleep between 7-8 hours each night.

Second, balance of family life with work is an area is truly challenging in today’s society.  Many families have to have two wage earners to make certain their financial goals are met each month, yet with increases in the every day expenses this poses problems.  Parents find little time for themselves, the self care of exercise, time with friends, dates with their spouse, and also alone time.  The holiday season poses challenges in how to “just get everything done”. A suggestion for both my counseling and coaching clients is to set a schedule for the month, at the beginning of each month, listing all activities whether in a single or two parent home, to show what free time can be gained for those areas of life so very needed-family, couple, individual, and alone time.  Set up lists of things to do each day or each week, delegating items for even children to share each day.  Then revisit the calendar and list each week for determining necessary changes.  This process has been found to be so helpful in many ways to balance out life.

Third, there are times, such as these, when many of my clients find themselves in financial stress with such uncertainty about how 2013 and future years will look.  Financial stress truly is seen during this time of year with wanting to buy gifts for those people one is close to and at the same time managing to not increase debt that cannot be paid.  Financial stress is determined by each individual whether it is unemployment, changes in job with reduced earning, loss of a wage earner due to illness or death, or unexpected increased expenses.  Ways financial stress occur are in areas of not planning ahead, spending too much, and spending to satisfy self-esteem needs. Ending financial stress can occur by a) exploring your values writing down and discussing them either with family or a professional; b) set goals for all areas of your life, including money, c) make a plan to change your behavior, d) develop a budget having it reviewed with a professional for guidance, e) set up a plan to get out of debt, e) don’t by anything on credit unless it is an emergency, f) discriminate between what you want and what you need, g) avoid buying something that needs maintenance or accessories, h) during the holidays, make an arrangement with your family and friends to place a limit on spending for gifts, i) admit that you can’t afford to buy certain items, and j) increase your appreciation for what you have by volunteering during this holiday season to help others in need.

Fourth, holiday blues happen to some individuals.  Holiday blues are caused by fears of disappointing others, expecting gifts to improve relationships, anniversary reactions due to loss of a loved one, bad memories, or seasonal affective disorder. Dealing with the holiday blues can be challenging yet know it is temporary.  Some suggestions are to be realistic so as to not let the holiday season solve all past problems.  Drink less alcohol in order to not have the expectation with increased drinking of improved well-being. Give yourself permission to not feel cheerful, if you just don’t feel like it.  Have a spending limit and stick to it. Be honest with yourself and others by expressing your feelings and thoughts by using an “I feel” statement.  Look for sources of support at faith communities, mental health practices or clinics, or support groups. Give yourself special care by relaxing and pampering yourself.  Set limits and priorities being realistic about what you can accomplish. Most importantly, get some exercise as it boosts serotonin and endorphins. Lastly, if you or someone you know has seen this as a pattern, check with your personal physician or seek the care of a mental health practitioner who can assist with determining whether you have seasonal affective disorder making suggestions on how to reduce your level of sadness or depression.

The holidays can truly be a great time of year, experienced simply.  Choose what works for you or your family, and try to appreciate the things life has to offer each day, health, the lights, time with friends, experiencing faith community events, seeking special music, or just enjoying that special cup of coffee with a friend.  If you find there is need for assistance in this area of holiday stress or blues, or assistance is needed to just be coached through challenges of balancing work and life, contact the practice at (843) 652-5532 or email me at klfcounseling@gmail.com.

Best of the holidays to you,

Kathy L. Fortner, EdS LPC CCMHC

In my previous work settings and during education, training, and teaching opportunities as a counselor and preventionist, Integrated Medicine and Mental Health guidelines were followed as directed through my professional trainings in National educational experience supported and provided by the US Preventative Task Force. Through work in Primary Care, University Clinics, Veterans Administration Community Based Outreach Clinics (VA-CBOC), and in my own private practice, standardized screenings were and continue to be a routine part of each visit.  Mental health clinicians often state their use of the Integrated Model, yet have not had the formal education and training to truly be involved in this specialized approach of client/patient care.  Therefore, mental and medical wellness, often go hand in hand for the total care of the patient, including medical management (annual physicals, laboratory studies, wellness programs that are age specific, and communication with the medical provider) and if mental health issues are involved, collaborating effectively with routine communication between both medical and mental health providers.  Wellness and prevention are issues are key. Beyond the mental health screening tools, often other assessments are found useful and can be incorporated successfully in the counseling and consultation sessions.

From Medline Plus, with latest update 3/2012, defines “mental health is how we think, feel and act as
we cope with life. It also helps determine how we handle stress, relate to others and make choices.
Like physical health, mental health is important at every stage of life, from childhood and adolescence
through adulthood”. Furthermore, the article cites “Staying mentally healthy is not always easy,
especially during tough times”. The resource outlines some prevention and wellness approaches, such as:

• Get support from family and friends
• Find time to take care of yourself and relax
• Have a healthy lifestyle, with regular exercise

This brief governmental resource notes that “it is also important to recognize when you may need help from a professional. Mental disorders are common, but treatments are available”.

The US Preventative Task Force has encouraged in Primary Care and/or Family Medicine for screening of women to involve depression, risk of abuse, with regard to teens screening to Depression to prevent increased use of alcohol and drugs, yet most importantly reduce risk of suicide, and for adults screening for depression.

As noted from government resources, screening for “interpersonal and domestic violence screening and counseling  should be provided for all adolescent and adult women. An estimated 25% of women in the United States report being targets of intimate partner violence during their lifetimes. Screening is effective in the early detection and effectiveness of interventions to increase the safety of abused women”.

Depression screening needs to be addressed in adolescents also. The USPSTF recommends screening of adolescents (12-18 years of age) for major depressive disorder when systems are in place to ensure accurate diagnosis, psychotherapy (cognitive-behavioral or interpersonal), and follow-up.  March 2009 depression screening for adults was recommended by the USPSTF when staff-assisted depression care supports are in place to assure accurate diagnosis, effective treatment, and follow-up.

Recent data cite that one in ten adults in the US have diagnosed depression.  Further data shows who tends to be most depressed meeting the criteria for major depression:

• persons 45-64 years of age
• women
• blacks, Hispanics, non-Hispanic persons of other races or multiple races
• persons with less than a high school education
• those previously married
• individuals unable to work or unemployed
• persons without health insurance coverage

Similar patterns were found among persons with “other depression” with the two following exceptions: adults aged 18-24 years were most likely to report “other depression” as were Hispanics (instead of other non-Hispanics).

Depression is the most common mental health disorder in the United States among teens and adults.

• About 20 percent of teens will experience teen depression before they reach adulthood.
• Between 10 to 15 percent of teenagers have some symptoms of teen depression at any one time.
• About 5 percent of teens are suffering from major depression at any one time
• As many as 8.3 percent of teens suffer depression for at least a year at a time, compared to about 5.3 percent of the general population.
• Most teens with depression will suffer from more than one episode. 20 to 40 percent will have more than one episode within two years, and 70 percent will have more than one episode before adulthood. Episodes of teen depression generally last about 8 months.
• Dysthymia, a type of mild, long-lasting depression, affects about 2 percent of teens, and about the same percentage of teens develop bipolar disorder in their late teenage years. 15 percent of teens with depression eventuallydevelop bipolar disorder.
• A small percent of teens also suffer from seasonal depression, usually during the winter months in higher latitudes.

Teen depression can affect a teen regardless of gender, social background, income level, race, or school or other achievements, though teenage girls report suffering from depression more often than teenage boys. Teenage boys are also less likely to seek help or recognize that they suffer from depression, probably due to different social expectations for boys and girls – girls are encouraged to express their feelings while boys are not. Teenage girls’ somewhat stronger dependence on social ties, however, can increase the chances of teen depression being triggered by social factors, such as loss of friends. Resources are provided by  Mental Health: A Report of the Surgeon General [online], Kidshealth.org from the Nemours Foundation, “Understanding Depression” [online], Center for Mental Health Services, SAMHSA, A Family Guide, Keeping Youth Mentally Healthy and Drug Free, “Depression Hurts” [online], U.S. National Library of Medicine and National Institutes of Health, MedlinePlus Medical Encyclopedia, “Depression signs in Teenagers” [online], Mental Health: A Report of the Surgeon General, “Depression and Suicide in children and adolescents” [online], WebMD.com : Depression in Childhood and Adolescence [online], WebMD/The Cleveland Clinic “Seasonal Depression” [online]

For assessing your teen for depression, visit this site:
http://healthfinder.gov/prevention/ViewTopic.aspx?topicId=85

Tips on raising today’s teens
http://www.cdc.gov/parents/teens/index.html

Domestic violence is an ongoing problem nationally with recent data showing:

• Every 9 seconds in the US a woman is assaulted or beaten.
• Around the world, at least one in every three women has been beaten, coerced into sex or otherwise abused during her lifetime. Most often, the abuser is a member of her own family.
• Domestic violence is the leading cause of injury to women—more than car accidents, muggings, and rapes combined.
• Studies suggest that up to 10 million children witness some form of domestic violence annually.
• Nearly 1 in 5 teenage girls who have been in a relationship said a boyfriend threatened violence or self-harm if presented with a breakup.
• Everyday in the US, more than three women are murdered by their husbands or boyfriends.
• Ninety-two percent of women surveyed listed reducing domestic violence and sexual assault as their top concern.
• Domestic violence victims lose nearly 8 million days of paid work per year in the US alone—the equivalent of 32,000 full-time jobs.
• Based on reports from 10 countries, between 55 percent and 95 percent of women who had been physically abused by their partners had never contacted non-governmental organizations, shelters, or the police for help.
• The costs of intimate partner violence in the US alone exceed $5.8 billion per year: $4.1 billion are for direct medical and health care services, while productivity losses account for nearly $1.8 billion.
• Men who as children witnessed their parents’ domestic violence were twice as likely to abuse their own wives than sons of nonviolent parents.

The following list presents some national domestic violence statistics as provided by the NationalCoalition Against Domestic Violence (NCADV) web site:

• One in every four women will experience domestic violence in her lifetime.
• An estimated 1.3 million women are victims of physical assault by an intimate partner each year.
• Almost one-third of female homicide victims that are reported in police records are killed by anintimate partner.

National and state resources show South Carolina now ranks #7 in the nation for the number of women murdered by men accordingto the Violence Policy Center’s September 2011 report, “When Men Murder Women: AnAnalysis of 2009 Homicide Data.” (SC ranked #9 in the September 2010 report.) South Carolina Attorney General Alan Wilson identified domestic violence as the number onecrime issue in the state. According to the State Attorney General’s web site, more than 36,000 victims report a domestic violence incident to law enforcement statewide.

Therefore, efforts to assess for such areas of challenge in a woman and family’s life, efforts for wellness are not available until the woman leaves and an opportunity for growth and change occurs. The USPTF encourages mental health and medical professionals to ask those very difficult questions when women are seen for care in an effort to prevent on-going areas of concern which can present with anxiety, depression, PTSD, medical problems, and other areas of life challenge.

Causes, types, signs, and effects of Domestic Violence

http://www.helpguide.org/mental/domestic_violence_abuse_types_signs_causes_effects.htm

About Domestic Violence:
Review this Video
http://www.healthyroadsmedia.org/titles/EngDomV/EngDomV.htm

Handout:
http://www.healthyroadsmedia.org/english/Files/pdf/EngDomV.pdf

Women and Domestic http://www.womenshealth.gov/violence-against-women/get-help-for-violence/how-to-help-a-friend-who-is-being-abused.cfmViolence

At every opportunity, wellness and prevention efforts need to be foremost in the lives of clinicians, friends, relatives, and co-workers to guide and help those in need for a truly positive effort at a healthy and happy life.

Beginning August, 28, 2012 is the start of new groups, first on the focums of women, with Life Design and Personal Life Coaching Group, an eight week experience, then on September 6, 2012, Self Esteem for Women will begin for six weeks.  Can you imagine what changes can occur if you plan for the life you deserve with a positive and focused outlook on life?  Imagine the growth potential you may have looking briefly at the past then moving forward toward how you wish to live life, not listening to your inner critic or having such negative self talk.

Changes occur, as noted in the earlier blog on  Transitions, with divorce, parenting, school, grief and loss, health related concerns, and other topics.  We will be focusing on developing groups for parents, for children who are going through divorce, grief and loss due to the experience of mourning, and focus on Wellness concerns in life.

What are you needing to do differently?  Are you faced with parenting a teen and this is new to you?  Are you experiencing divorce and trying to find your way in a new place in life-single, with or without children, and trying to learn about making new opportunities for growth?  Are you stressed and this is affecting your health?  Are you anxious with having some serious symptoms which are concerning to you?

Check out the happenings in the practice by visiting the website, and also on Psychology Today for more information.  And, did you know we are on Facebook, at KLF Counseling?  Think about making some great changes before the new year, you may be pleasantly surprised!

Kathy

In my practice, I find during these times of change, individuals, couples, and families can have a sense of loss and confusion.  The college student, new to a different learning experience, sees their life completely with awe, some fear of what is ahead, and so much excitement about their new phase of life.  The parents, also often new to the changes they face, find themselves as a couple again, with focus on their life and not so much on that of their child.  Those who move to a new location see their new home and work setting uncertain as new friends are created, old friends left behind, and family members often at a distance.  Children headed back to school see their adventures exciting and with challenge, yet often children have difficulties making new friends, adjusting to a new school environment, having to leave their old school when changing from elementary to middle school or high school.  Parents want to be great parents, yet often are challenged with faced with their child’s peer pressures, limited parenting skills, or issues of more permissive parents when they wish to be more connected in their families.  Then those facing loss either through divorce or loss of a loved one see the upcoming months so challenging and uncertain as what was “the usual” is now so different.

If you or a family member are facing some challenging times, those of transition, you may wish to consider counseling either through your Employee Assistance Program (EAP), or counseling or therapy.  Sometimes, life coaching can help an individual learn to balance their lives and create a new one which is truly of their own design.

At KLF Counseling and Consulting, PA, I am devoted to helping people who face the transitions of life gain insight, develop new skills, learn about how they can create a life they wish, and provide support to those who have gone through loss either with job, health, divorce, or death of a loved one.   The practice is accepting new clients, either for coaching or counseling, so contact the office to schedule your sessions.  I accept most insurance plans, such as Blue Cross Blue Shield, Companion Benefits, CIGNA, United Behavioral, Magellan, GHI, Aetna, and many more.  I also am on various EAP plans, such as UBH, Magellan, Aetna (Horizon), CIGNA, First Sun, Palmetto, and several more.  With regards to life coaching with wellness, life design, stress management, and other areas for positive change, you can agree for sessions either in person or via telephone and/or virtual meetings scheduled for two to three months of weekly meetings to help you learn about what you wish to change in your life.

Visit the website for updates on groups, events, and other news that you, your family, or company may wish to be a part of in the weeks and months ahead.

Have a great Fall, 2012, looking at Transitions as one of positive change and looking forward to life in a new way each day!  Kathy

In researching various websites and resources for this week’s blog, I found wonderful resources for men to check out and maybe gain insight in to how to positively change their life, to see if they have symptoms of depression or anxiety, and to try to manage their stress.  In Life and Wellness Coaching, we look toward a person wanting to change from their being “stuck” to making truly positive changes in their lives.  Concerns about their business, personal, or social life may need some “tweeking” to gain movement to where they want to be now and in the future.  Setting goals, short and long term, will help for realizing what is ahead which is exciting and life changing.

Let’s look at stress, a great resource from a pamphlet, which is available in the practice from a national resource. So what iS StreSS?

As noted in “Your Head, An Owner’s Manual” for men of all ages they state, “Stress is an unavoidable and—in small doses—a very important part of our lives. Without it, you’d never have been able to ask your high-school sweetheart out onthat first date or pull an all-nighter before a  final exam. You couldn’t beat out aninfi eld single, your heart wouldn’t pound while watching a horror movie, and you wouldn’t feel the slightest joy at the birth of your child or buying a car. In somecases, stress can actually save your life. For example, if you’re in a dangerous situation or feeling afraid, your body gives you a jolt of adrenaline and goes into“fi ght or fl ight” mode. Your pulse races and blood rushes away from your faceand body and out to your arms and legs so you can protect yourself or get away from whatever it is that’s threatening you (that’s why people who are frightened are often “white as a sheet”).In today’s world, it’s pretty unlikely that you’ll ever come face to face with a lion or need to get out of path of an oncoming train. But you’ll deal with lots of smallerstresses every day, like looming deadlines, some nut cutting you off in traffic, oran argument with a customer or your wife or child. Your body responds to these small stresses in pretty much the same way as it does to larger ones. Fortunately, in most cases—when the immediate excitement or danger has passed—your pulseslows down, your muscles relax, and you can get on with your day”.

The article cites three types of stress, “ongoing acute stress” is “similar to acute stress, except that the situation or event that’s causing the stress doesn’t end” . Then there is is “chronic stress” which is ” like ongoing acute stress except on an even largerscale”. Last, and most challenging is “post-traumatic stress” which is “the fallout from a terrifying or catastrophicevent in your life, usually something where you, or someone close toyou, were in danger of being seriously hurt or killed”.

The question or questions are asked, in the article of  “So Are You Over-Stressed?” Take a brief survey, from the brochure to see how you rank with stress.  With that in mind, read through the following statements and take note of how many apply to you:

• I recently got married, divorced, or separated

• I was recently injured or have been sick

• I’m having major financial problems, such as bankruptcy or a homebeing foreclosed

• I work more than 10 hours per day

• I was recently fired from my job

• I hate my job or some of the people I work with or for

• I haven’t had a vacation in three years or longer

• My partner is pregnant

• I always seem to be coming down with a cold or other illness

• A close friend or relative is ill

• I’ve got a child who’s leaving home for college

• My family recently moved to a new home

• I get less than six hours of sleep every night

• I’ve been getting into more and more arguments with my spouse,friends, or coworkers

• I hardly have any time to myself to read, exercise, or just relax

• It’s been a long, long time since I did something just for fun

• I’m always in a hurry but never manage to get anywhere on time

• I drink more than three caffeinated drinks every day

• I have trouble falling asleep, staying asleep, or think I have insomnia

• I don’t have any close friends or relatives I can turn to for emotionalsupport

• I recently experienced or witnessed an event where I felt incrediblyafraid or helpless

• At night I have nightmares about the event. During the day, memorieskeep popping into my head and I feel as though I’m reliving it over andover again

• I get very upset by anything that reminds me of what happened (myheart pounds, my muscles tense, I start to sweat or feel nauseated)

• I go to extreme lengths to avoid activities, places, or people who remindme of what happened

• I have a tough time trusting other people or allowing myself to feelclose to anyone

Chances are, at least five or six of the above statements are true foryou. And that’s no surprise. Stress is so widespread that many mentalhealth professionals consider it to be America’s biggest health problem.The American Institute for Stress estimates that 75-90 percent of allvisits to primary care physicians are for stress-related issues.

If you or someone you know may be stressed, and help is needed, contact the office for just time to talk about issues, and see what is needed to live a healthier, more balanced, and less stressed life.

If you would like a copy of the information listed above, contact our office at klfcounseling@gmail.com and a copy can be sent to you.  If you would like to be a part of our newsletter and event listing, then either call the practice or send us an email, then you will be able to get monthly updates!

Most recently, two groups of women met, one from about two years ago, and one more recently,  to have the opportunity to Skype with a nationally known psychiatrist in New York, who has volunteered her evenings to meet with the women of the group and me for processing and sharing their experiences.  The psychiatrist expressed to the participants the brave new efforts here in South Carolina to keeping her work and that of her colleague “alive”.  We reviewed their insight on where those from one of the first groups have traveled in two years to the new participants…growing and see their lives change, using the materials from the group either on a monthly or annual basis to monitor their travels through changed lives.

The Design Group for making positive changes in their lives has expressed how much their sharing has been with their experiences.  They still connect each month on a personal basis, meeting, learning, and growing together.  Each noted how the group in this practice helped them view life in such a different place.

One of the wonderful books that I have read and used in the past involved the widows of 9/11, “Love You Mean It”.  These women were bonded due to the losses experienced when their husbands were tragically killed on that most horrible of days.  These individuals learned to depend upon another, share and grow with one another, be supported as they each went through dating and marriage, or illness, or children’s concerns.  It would be worth the time to read this wonderful book for purposes of gaining insight into the importance of friendships with other women.

New groups will be forming soon, one on Happiness again with the consultation of a nationally known psychiatrist, another on Discovering Your Life, and a third, which just started, on Improving One’s Self Esteem.  Check back to the Groups and Events area for updates when groups, seminars, and other new events will be starting and so you can sign up and be a part of what’s happening at KLF Counseling and Consulting, PA.

Best to you,

Kathy L. Fortner, EdS, LPC, NCC

One type of anxiety that may need treatment is called separation anxiety. This includes:

• constant thoughts and fears about safety of self and parents
• refusing to go to school
• frequent stomachaches and other physical complaints
• extreme worries about sleeping away from home
• overly clingy
• panic or tantrums at times of separation from parents
• trouble sleeping or nightmares

Another type of anxiety (phobia) is when a child is afraid of specific things such as dogs, insects, or needles and these fears cause significant distress.

Some anxious children are afraid to meet or talk to new people. Children with this difficulty may have few friends outside the family.

Other children with severe anxiety may have:

• many worries about things before they happen
• constant worries or concern about school performance, friends, or sports
• repetitive thoughts or actions (obsessions)
• fears of embarrassment or making mistakes
• low self esteem

Anxious children are often overly tense or uptight. Some may seek a lot of reassurance, and their worries may interfere with activities. Because anxious children may also be quiet, compliant and eager to please, their difficulties may be missed. Parents should be alert to the signs of severe anxiety so they can intervene early to prevent complications. It is important not to discount a child’s fears.

If you are concerned that your child has difficulty with anxiety you may wish to consider contacting a Licensed Professional Counselor or other qualified mental health professional for assessment and therapy. Severe anxiety problems in children can be treated. Early treatment can prevent future difficulties, such as, loss of friendships, failure to reach social and academic potential, and feelings of low self-esteem. Treatments may include a combination of the following: individual psychotherapy, family therapy, medications, behavioral treatments, and consultation to the school. Therapy often recommended to treat anxiety in children is Cognitive Behavioral Therapy or CBT and  often when combined with appropriate medication, can alleviate the symtpoms, creating a more positive and hopeful life for the child.

If your child shows signs and symptoms as listed above, contact our practice at (843) 652-5532 or email the counselor at klfcounseling@gmail.com.

One out of every two marriages today ends in divorce and many divorcing families include children. Parents who are getting a divorce are frequently worried about the effect the divorce will have on their children. During this difficult period, parents may be preoccupied with their own problems, but continue to be the most important people in their children’s lives.

While parents may be devastated or relieved by the divorce, children are invariably frightened and confused by the threat to their security. Some parents feel so hurt or overwhelmed by the divorce that they may turn to the child for comfort or direction. Divorce can be misinterpreted by children unless parents tell them what is happening, how they are involved and not involved and what will happen to them.

Children often believe they have caused the conflict between their mother and father. Many children assume the responsibility for bringing their parents back together, sometimes by sacrificing themselves. Vulnerability to both physical and mental illnesses can originate in the traumatic loss of one or both parents through divorce. With care and attention, however, a family’s strengths can be mobilized during a divorce, and children can be helped to deal constructively with the resolution of parental conflict.

Talking to children about a divorce is difficult. The following tips can help both the child and parents with the challenge and stress of these conversations:

• Do not keep it a secret or wait until the last minute.
• Tell your child together.
• Keep things simple and straight-forward.
• Tell them the divorce is not their fault.
• Admit that this will be sad and upsetting for everyone.
• Reassure your child that you both still love them and will always be their parents.
• Do not discuss each other’s faults or problems with the child.

Parents should be alert to signs of distress in their child or children. Young children may react to divorce by becoming more aggressive and uncooperative or withdrawing. Older children may feel deep sadness and loss. Their schoolwork may suffer and behavior problems are common. As teenagers and adults, children of divorce can have trouble with their own relationships and experience problems with self-esteem.

Children will do best if they know that their mother and father will still be their parents and remain involved with them even though the marriage is ending and the parents won’t live together. Long custody disputes or pressure on a child to “choose” sides can be particularly harmful for the youngster and can add to the damage of the divorce. Research shows that children do best when parents can cooperate on behalf of the child.

Parents’ ongoing commitment to the child’s well-being is vital. If a child shows signs of distress, the family doctor or pediatrician can refer the parents to a mental health professional, such as a Licensed Professional Counselor, Psychologist, or Social Worker,  for evaluation and treatment. In addition, the mental health professional can meet with the parents to help them learn how to make the strain of the divorce easier on the entire family. Psychotherapy for the children of a divorce, and the divorcing parents, can be helpful.

If your child or children, or you know of a family member or friend who may be dealing with issues of divorce affecting their children, you may contact the office at (843) 652-5532 to discuss your situation with the counselor for determining whether the child or teen may been counseling.  You can also email Kathy L. Fortner, EdS, LPC, NCC at klfcounseling@gmail.com for inquiry.